On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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