Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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