in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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