Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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