Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
