Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
