omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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