He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
PANTIES FOUND
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