We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
