Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
