I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
