Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
