Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
