Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
