mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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