So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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