i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
