k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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