Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
