Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
