the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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