You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
