whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
