Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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