you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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