i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
