So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
this beer tastes like vomit already
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
