Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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