Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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