In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
