I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
