Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
