There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
As shirtless as possible
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
