he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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