I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
