you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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