That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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