How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ketchup is God's man juice
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
