It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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