I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
