take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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