The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
