Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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