just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
