i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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