Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
