that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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