I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
