I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
