Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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