just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
