I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
