Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
