Your face is a jimmy john
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
