Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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