For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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