i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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