Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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