I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Found the puke drawer
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
