Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
