i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize