I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
