He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
