i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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