then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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